The first time I watched porn, I was 15 years old. It was late and I was alone. It was not desire or lust that pushed me towards typing those four letters into Google; it was curiosity, heavy with the thrill of rebellion. My heart beat hard in my chest:…
Text messaging and internet chatting has turned us all into Frankensteins. The goal is to emulate real life, to as closely approximate real-life conversation as we possibly can, even though we all understand that (at least on our end), either we’re blowing through these things (“lol what u want from…
When I Google my name, mostly embarrassing things appear, like art that I made in high school (why?) It’s really bizarre to think about; that if someone searched my name looking for the digital representation of the things I consist of, they would come across a plethora of images that…
Facebook, that helpful hubbub of information, told me that we can all finally stop holding our breaths: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the Star Wars cruise is finally happening! (Seriously: no more breath holding! You need oxygen in your brain so you can read. And also be alive!) I…
Fan theories have become the new Buzzfeed plague as of late, no doubt appearing on your social media feeds accompanied by a few choice phrases such as, “mind blowing”, “insane”, and “life changing.” They cover everything from postulating James Bond is a code name assigned to different agents to the…
I was listening to Opie and Anthony on the radio this morning and heard something that cracked me up, for whatever reason. The topic was conspiracy theories, and they were focusing on folks who believe that the moon landings in particular were a hoax (one of the comedians on the show was…
I heard a rumor that my writing was bleak. I’m not sure if I believe it or not. The way I see it, not everything has to have nihilistic or apocalyptic undertones. Sometimes we can appreciate the happy things — the puppies and kittens and sunshine and rainbows. Though of…
Every time I stop at a red light, my GPS thinks I’ve fallen off the face of the earth. Disappeared. Gone. Vanished. Bye-bye. Worse, it tries to correct the problem of my disappearance by telling me to do random things. “In 500 feet, turn left on Maple Wood Drive.” “In…
I wasn’t going to write this piece. I thought about it, considered writing and then stopped. Lest I should bloviate as per usual or write a sickeningly grim or maudlin column. But this past week, I experienced a shocking loss — not in the family, but close enough. Suffice it…
Dear reader, welcome! Welcome to the pulse of Millennial America. I think I’ve figured out our schtick. What separates us from those who’ve come before. The wind in our sails, what’s gonna power us into the future. Maybe even inspire those kids who come after us (that’s right, we’re gonna…